College Dropout?

Pulling a Kanye one month before I graduate with a bachelors would be the stupidest thing I could ever do. And readers, if you have read my previous blogs, you will see, I've made one too many stupid decisions in my personal life.

Of course dropping out and pursuing my life long dream to be a Hollywood star wasn't really on my "to-do" life list however, it really is just hitting me NOW and when I say now, I literally mean 5 hours ago, that I cannot be babied anymore. My butt is getting kicked out in the real world in 30 days whether I like it or not. This is a tough concept for me to grasp, and I am sure I'm not alone, however I am feeling very lonely at the moment because it seems to me that I am the only one feeling this way.

When people ask me, "so what do you plan to do now?" I can't BS an answer anymore and say, "I'm not sure yet, I still have time to figure it out." NOPE. WRONG ANSWER. DOUBLE WHAMMY.

DEE, get your shiiiiiii-cago together. NOW. I need some inspiration and a pint of ben and jerrys.

unpretty.

Somehow i find inspiration to blog when i should be studying.

As i was studying, i was shamelessly regressing and watching The Disney Channel and Nick. It made me feel super old but the shows were actually funny and entertaining to me. Sometimes the cheesy acting can be a little over the top but hey, cant blame them...it attracts the tweens...and me! (:

I channel surfed between ICarly, Shake it Up, Good Luck Charlie, So Random, and Victorious. Every show has gorgeous teenage girls who can sing, dance and have a rockin' 90 lbs bod at 17 or so. For years and years i secretly envied these talented girls with almost no body fat on them. one of my biggest insecurities have always been my arms and i would always watch these shows and think, "man, why cant i have normal arms like that?"

 These TV shows and pop culture have brainwashed me to think this is how every girl should look like:

flawless skin, amazing bone structure, naturally long lashes, and arms the size of twigs. Now don't get me wrong, Victoria Justice IS gorrrrgeous...but then again she is also the exception. If you watch too many TV shows or movies and read fashion magazines and blogs on the daily, you start to get influenced by these images. It starts by wanting the lipstick they're wearing, then the shoes and clothes and eventually you get down to the body shape and figure which are mostly bone-thin-skinny body figures.

Lucky for me, I keep it all in my mind. I know I will never have the same body build as Miss.Victoria Justice, so I have learned to accept it and admire from afar. I haven't felt the need to take this jealousy to a new level because well...I just love food too much so there was no way I could ever try to be anorexic. I have really bad gag reflexes and could never try to make myself throw up so bulimia was never an option for me either. I tried the whole salad a meal thing but my stomach wants what it wants, and it does not want rabbit food. 

Unfortunately there are others who aren't as lucky as me and have taken their body consciousness to those levels. 

Now, So Random is a spin off of Sonny with a Chance. It has basically the same cast minus Demi Lovato. As I was watching I noticed how Tiffany Thornton had arms like me and seemed like she gained weight but she still LOOKED amazing. Then I thought about Demi and how she went from Disney star to "another child star in rehab". We all know that Miss. Lovato has had her shares of ups and downs this past year and it shows. 

I definitely do not think her "weight gain" is so terrible. I think she looks GREAT! shes embracing her curves and flaunting what shes got! I never really followed what happened to her and why but after whatever she has been through, showing up in public in that dress is a huge step forward from being ashamed, depressed, and bulimic.

I came to the realization that Disney took this as a wake up call, that not every girl is built the way Victoria Justice or Selena Gomez are. I remember growing up watching Lizzie McGuire and how they had the one episode where Miranda had an anorexic phase and Raven in Thats' so Raven was curvy and proud. And that was great and all but for one of Disneys stars to step forward and announce that she has a problem is completely different than someone just acting it. I feel that they strayed away from that for a while and latched on to the child star fad of hannah montana and skinny young brunettes.

 With all the Disney stars with tainted reputations, I hope they will at least take this lesson and have absolutely no tolerance for another one of their child stars to want to abuse their bodies in the same way. Disney not only has to campaign a healthy lifestyle, they need to show their young viewers that every body is different and that is what makes us all beautiful.

End the skinny arm stereotypes!

are you in the game?

so here i am, 2am with too much in my system and my mind.

Let's face it, most of us don't like to play games but the truth is, us sick and twisted human beings LOVE the teasing, the jealousy, the hard-to-get. What is wrong with us? Are we being hypocritical when we say we want someone to just be up front about their feelings? But in the end don't regard any of it? Honest to blog, we get bored when someone is easy to open up, and tells you straight forward that they like you. How gross is it that we like to torture our minds and someone elses feelings because we are required by human nature to give that element of surprise, not to show your hand too early in the game? Sure a lot of women say "why cant all guys be honest about their feelings and not play with you unless they like you?" but the sad reality is, we do it too. little. female. dogs.

stream of thought

too much de ja vue has been happening in my life. different people, similar situations...at first i thought it was just a coincidence, then it just happened again and again then i finally realized (after a long random conversation with killa), oh its me definitely.

i need to pluck up some courage for myself. my dignity. self respect.

WHO are you to think you can treat me like dirt, scum, second rate?

i am through beyond through taking scraps, being too nice for my own good, and taken for granted.

regrets and mistakes, they're memories made.

dear miami,

i REALLY should be sleeping but i feel like 5 year old me super anxious for my trip to Disney World. however, in my 21 year old case Disney World is Miami and Harry Potter World in Universal Studios :p

this trip is so much more different and sort of life changing than any other vacation ive taken because i get to finally meet my long-time-"online/skype/oovoo/bbm/phone"-best-friend. this has got to be the most complicated relationship i have ever had but one of the strongest as well. 4 years of ups and downs with the one friend whom i have never met in person but knows more about me than a lot of people within a 5 mile radius of me.

i cant wait to see what the next few days brings me.

<3

one conclusion away.

decided to keep this to keep ranting on about things, a place not a lot of people know about (:

here i am, senior year of my undergrad career, one conclusion away from my summer break. i dont know why i just cant seem to FINISH this paper. sigh...this semesters been real!!!!! real stressful, real reality check, real world SHADY GROVE. lol joking...kinda...

okay....let me finish this paper and get ready to enjoy my summer...until summer school starts...le sigh.