how to avoid the douche bags.

I had no idea what to post as my first blog, so I asked my good friend Serena what I should put up. She basically told me how I always rant about my guy problems that I should use this as an outlet...and posting a paper I wrote from last semester would be a perfect first post. So here it is...I edited a few things out for personal reasons and kept what was most relevant still. (:

If there is one thing I learned in my 20 years of life, it is this: anything with a phallus is, has been or will be a douche bag. Fathers, sons, uncles, brothers, best friends, boyfriends, nephews, hermaphrodites, transsexuals (pre operation), waiters, drug dealers; if you have a dangling membrane, it probably consists of the dominant gene: jerk. Now, I know there are many people out there that will disagree with me, and I am open to see this so-called “exception” so go ahead, I double-dog dare you. However, for the time being, I am an unbeliever. So for the ones out there who, like me, are sick of meeting the Mr. Wrongs, here are a few types you must avoid.

   Guitar players, singers, dancers, any guy with artistic ability

Any guy who learns four chords can play the entire billboard top 100 charts and win over any girl. Do not fall for it. Just because a guy posted a YouTube video of him singing “This I Promise You” by Nsync in his bathroom with a dedication to Jennifer, does not mean it is directly to you. He could know 10 other Jennifer’s. Dancers express themselves through the movement of their body; it lets them show emotions that they cannot show in a relationship with a girl, because they would rather be alone with their music. When they sing or dance for you, they want to convey the emotions they feel for you in their art, but in reality, they are just trying to get into your pants.

2.       Club rats

The best place to meet a guy is at the club. Loud house music, drinks pouring in, and one big orgy on the dance floor. You will definitely meet a keeper to bring home to mom.

3.       Metro-Sexuals

When a guy takes longer to shower than you, style their hair, pick out what they want to wear, try it on and several other outfits, and make sure he looks better than you and then is finally ready to head out…that right there is a red flag. When meeting a metro-sexual, proceed with caution, they could want one of two things from you:  1. To get into your pants or 2. Wanting to actually get into your pants to wear for the night. Sometimes both.

4.       Younger guys

“Men mature faster than women” of course that’s a scientific fact.

5.       Athletes

My personal favorite: physically built, sporty, and competitive on the field/court and off. Thanks to their athleticism and mentality to always win, they learned that only the best player could win the prize…or two…or three. They devote most of their time to football practices, late night basketball games in the park, and taking care of that athletes foot that they do not have time to take you out on a real date. When they ask you to be their special cheerleader on the side, chuck whatever ball is near you to his gonads and run away.

6.       Self proclaimed  douche bags

These are the guys who have been hurt by women before for being “too nice”, so they changed their game up a little, and decided it’s best to become jerks that bag the ladies. They know what tricks we are capable of, will us that against us, and we somehow fall for the rude attitude. I give you fair warning. When you first meet a guy and start “talking” in the sense that you are getting to know each other on a deeper level mentally, physically, and emotionally, he tells people he is talking to a girl…but when things go bad, he then decides to change “talking“into “talking” in the sense that you literally just talked to say “hi”, and when you ask what happened, he can say “we were just talking as friends.” Jerk.

Side note: there is no such thing as a perfect guy. I repeat: No. Such. Thing. Excuse the pessimism but; you will probably have better luck searching on Jupiter. I think I’ll go celibate.